Funerals normally have at least one prayer, several hymns, a eulogy (where the deceased’s life is reviewed with fond remembrances from family and friends), and a devotional thought based on scripture.

Music
If you have hymns, the first consideration will be “how” they are to be done (even before you decide “which” ones they will be).

* Will the hymns be sung, or will they simply be instrumental? If instrumental, you will need to arrange for a talented person or persons to do that (and there will be a fee involved).

* If the hymns will be sung, will the singing be “live” or will it be by recording? If by recording, the family is responsible for making sure the funeral home (or the church) can actually broadcast the recordings for the service. The family will also need to provide those recordings. Neither the funeral home nor the church is responsible for arranging this.

* If the singing is “live,” will it be done by a soloist, chorus, quartet or singing group? Neither the funeral home nor the church is responsible for making such arrangements. You or your designated funeral arranger will have to arrange for this. Does your church have such a person or group that does funerals? If not, a live chorus (or even quartet) is not the way to go. If the singing is done “live” will it be “congregational” (everyone sings)? In the Church of Christ, all our worship singing is done acappella. Acappella at a funeral works well provided those who attend can sing, and are used to singing acappella. I have officiated at funerals where the family wanted acappella singing, but where most of those in attendance did not sing acappella and therefore, it did not work well. Unless the funeral is held at a church building, congregational singing will require the family to arrange for hymnbooks or songsheets for those gathered.

You will need a list of the hymns to be used. Normally, there are four or fewer hymns.

Eulogy
The eulogy is a time for recounting the deceased’s life, including accomplishments. You should prepare a document that will highlight your life (where you were born, where you went to school, whether you served in the military, etc.). Do not presume your family knows this. I have now lost count of the number of times family members didn’t even know where mom or dad were born (it’s disgraceful – but there it is). What about this person has made his life special? There should be one main person to speak and his or her presentation should be no longer than 12 minutes.

Here is also a time for family and friends to participate and tell stories that illustrate why the deceased’s life was important to them. Two cautions: First, you should know precisely who is going to speak. The minister or person in charge should not just say: “Would anyone like to come up and say a few words?” There is always the chance that no one will respond. The silence will be deafening. Second, everyone who speaks should have a prepared script from which to read, and they should be sure they can read it without reducing themselves to a puddle. I normally recommend immediate family members not speak during this time unless they can do so confidently. It is appropriate for those who do not want to speak to have the minister or someone else read their remarks. No one person should speak longer than 3 minutes, or have a script longer than 2 typed pages. This part of the service should last no longer than 20 minutes if it is done well, less if it is not done well.

Devotional Meditation
Normally presented by the minister (who may also do the eulogy). The devotional meditation should last no longer than ten minutes. The minister will use that time to emphasize one or more of the following: holy living, the brevity of life, the finality of death, the certainty of judgment, and the promise of hope.

Program
Sometimes there are programs but if so, unless the funeral home or your church specifies otherwise, the family is responsible for preparing these. The following is a suggested outline for a funeral:
2 Hymns
Eulogy
Hymn
Devotional Meditation
Prayer

At the end of the funeral, the director of the funeral home will dismiss the assembly. The pall bearers will bear the casket to the hearse and the family will follow the pall bearers (check with your funeral home on this – customs are different in some areas) out to the hearse and to the graveside.

Graveside
At the graveside, the minister may say a few words, or read a scripture and have a prayer (or you may elect to have close friends do this). The casket is then lowered into the grave. Most funeral homes require families to leave while the grave is filled in, then return later.

Next week: A summary checklist

Funerals are really for the living. When someone dies, and there is no funeral, it’s like having a close friend leave your party without you having a chance to say goodbye. There is an emptiness, a disconnect.

Funerals may be simply at the graveside, and if you are not expecting many people to come, that may be the best location. It will certainly save on the funeral cost because there will be no need to rent a chapel. But if the weather is poor, or hot, or if there are over 20 people in attendance, a graveside funeral can be a poor place to say goodbye.

The funeral itself will normally be held either at a church, or in the chapel at the funeral home. When I began in ministry over thirty years ago, funerals consisted of a few hymns, and a sermon by a minister which might mention a brief biography of the deceased. Today, funerals have at least one prayer, several hymns, a eulogy (where the deceased’s live is reviewed with fond remembrances from family and friends), and a devotional thought based on scripture. A funeral should be less than an hour in length, and normally, funerals at which I officiate last somewhere between thirty and forty-five minutes.

You will need six “pall bearers” to carry the casket after the funeral to the hearse. The funeral home will ask for their names in advance and provide special seating for them. Pall bearers should be physically fit enough to do this job - able to lift about forty pounds with one hand and walk with the load a distance of fifty feet. Sometimes families choose to honor close friends by making them “honorary” pall bearers. These have no obligation to carry the casket, but will proceed behind the casket and in front of the family.

Will the casket be open during the funeral, or closed? I recommend closed. The family will be given a chance to gather privately around the open casket before the funeral. Once the casket is closed, it should not be reopened. Grief is a powerful emotion and can cause unexpected responses. I have officiated at funerals where the casket was re-opened after the funeral for everyone to pass by, and I have had, at that point, grief stricken family members nearly crawl in a casket and refuse to let go of the deceased.

Trust me. It can be horrible.

But perhaps this is a good time to mention how Christians should handle grief.

Losing a loved one is tough. We grieve. Our hearts are broken. But Christians know that life does not end at death, and our hope has never been fixated on this life. We always knew we were going to die, and we know our friends and family are going to die. But according to the promise of God, we look for a new heaven and a new earth, a country in which righteousness dwells. And so, while we mourn the passing of one we’ve loved, we do not mourn like the world. Our expressions of grief should be neither inconsolable nor dispassionate and stoic. They should be the grief of a people who know that, for the Christian, death is swallowed up in victory. Our grief is tempered by our hope.

Next week: Music, eulogy and "at the grave."

Normally, in this country, once you die, your body is removed to a funeral home. I covered some considerations regarding “which” funeral home in my previous blog. If you are to be buried in a different city from the one in which you live, you may need the services of two funeral homes: one for where you live, and one to handle the arrangements for the burial. Costs do not double, but are higher for such an arrangement.

There will be costs for transporting the body, embalming, the casket, and the burial plot. Many jurisdictions also require a vault. The vault is a large, normally concrete, box that is lowered into the ground first. The casket is then lowered into the vault and sealed with a concrete cover. The vault is there to preserve the integrity of the grave site. If you walk through old cemeteries, you may notice that some graves will be marked by sunken depressions in the earth. This means the casket has deteriorated and come apart. The vault keeps that from happening (and keeps embalming chemicals and other effluence from getting into the soil and ground water). If you opt for a cremation, you may avoid these charges, but a lot of that has to do with whether you actually have a funeral.

We will look at funerals in my next blog, but for now, you should remember that funerals are not for the deceased. They are for the living. They provide an opportunity for your community of family and friends to come together, to remember your life, and remember their lives with you. It offers a time of closure and support for the family.

You can save your family some discomfort by making arrangements for your funeral before you die. You can pick the casket, select the burial plot, and decide how much of a service you want to have. You may also pre-pay for all this. The advantage of pre-payment is that you avoid price increases over time which can be substantial. Funeral homes will not “bill” the family or the estate. While most funeral homes will come get the deceased and transport the body to their place of business, that’s all the service anyone will get until payment is made. If you have an insurance policy to cover the burial, sometimes they will take that as payment, but there will be papers for the official beneficiary to sign releasing the benefit to the funeral home. Someone will have to pay for the services. If you have a Power of Attorney, remember that it ends with your death. Unless you have actually placed a friend or family member on your checking or savings account, no one will be able to access your funds to pay the funeral home. If you make these arrangements, be sure to write them down and entrust them to the person who is charged with carrying them out. Your family should know who that person is.

For every funeral, there are usually two parts: The “visitation,” for people who are unable to come for the funeral to come by and pay their respects – usually in the evening. Funeral homes charge for the time and usage of their facility for this service. Then, there is the funeral itself. The funeral home will charge for time and use of the facility again. It is not necessary to have the visitation separate. Sometimes the visitation occurs an hour (or more) before the funeral on the same day.

For Church members, sometimes the funeral is held at the church building. This is particularly helpful if you expect a large number of people. On the other hand, if your Church building will seat 500, and you only expect 50 to 100, it’s much better to have the service at the funeral home.

Here’s a checklist:
* Which funeral home(s)?
* Burial or cremation?
* Place of burial?
* What kind of casket (price parameters – or urn for cremated remains)?
* Where will the funeral be held? When?
* Which flower shop will you use?
* Will there be a visitation? When?
* Flowers. Friends and family and your local church will send some. But customarily there is a spray of flowers that goes on top of the casket (but is not required).

(Next time: The Funeral)

We will all face death. At least our own, but likely also the death of some we love. When the time comes, it's important to be ready. As a minister, most folks expect me to write about the spiritual preparation for death. I am going to do that, but there is a business end as well, one that all too often takes us by surprise.

The following looks at death from the perspective of someone arranging his own funeral. (You can also read it to help you decide what decisions you need to make for a loved one who has passed and has not previously made their own arrangements.) It will be important to write down your wishes and entrust that document to a trustworthy person you have legally empowered to carry out your directives. You should let your family members know who this person is so there will be no confusion about the matter later. That person should live in your community and be able to act without the help of others.

When death occurs, there must be some official pronouncement. When my mother passed away, pronouncement was made at her home by the hospice nurse. A friend passed away recently at a hospital. Medical personnel made the pronouncement there. The next step after the pronouncement is to call the funeral home. In a hospital or nursing home, the staff will likely make the call on behalf of the family. At home, the responsible family member will have to do it.

But which funeral home?

I have stood at the foot of many a bed as family members asked: "Who do we call? Which funeral home?" If you have no intention of having a funeral, or if the casket will not be opened, it may not matter. But if you have a traditional funeral, it certainly will matter. I was called to a hospital ER some years ago to be with the family of a man who was having a heart attack. It was massive, and the doctors were not able to save him. The wife wanted to see her husband before the funeral home came, and asked that I accompany her. The doctors advised against it, but she insisted. I have never seen a more frightening corpse. The heart attack left him with a wild expression of pain, an expression I can see to this day. It is the work of the funeral home to get rid of that expression – and they don’t all do it equally well. Lengthy illnesses also often leave one a mere shell of the person they once were. The skill of the funeral home comes into play here as they restore your looks to something more recognizable by your friends.

So how do you choose?

Go to some funerals. You ought to do it anyway, especially of church members because, after all, you and they are part of the same body – the body of Christ, the family of God. You should be supportive of your spiritual family. Find out the funeral home in charge. See the restoration yourself. Also, watch in the funeral for how the service is conducted. Talk to the family afterwards and see how they felt about the funeral home. Was the funeral well organized? Were the arrangements and instructions from funeral home personnel clear and dignified at the graveside? Observation will help you make a good decision. My wife and I have narrowed the list of preferred funeral homes by going to funerals and making a list of those we didn't like.

Where will your funeral be held and where will you be buried? It does matter. If your funeral is in one city (or State), and the burial is in another, you will need to make arrangements with two funeral homes. The expense does not double, but it will increase and if transportation of some distance is involved, the costs will be considerable.

All I have said here is: "Choose a funeral home." If you just can't bear to think about it, or go to the trouble, imagine how difficult it will be for those who love you to make this decision for you.

Next week: At the funeral home.

Unless Jesus returns first, fully one out of every one people will die.

That includes you and me.

And yet, for so many people, death takes them totally by surprise – as if they knew it was true, but they never expected it to happen to them. The World Bank figures the average life-expectancy at 67 years. In this country, men live, on average, 72 years. Women live 79 years.

It’s not just that death takes the dying by surprise. It also takes their family and friends by surprise.

This series of blogs is not designed to ease the pain of loss. It is designed to be informative about the business end of death - specifically, planning for it. One caveat. I am a minister, not an attorney. The following advice is the result of personal experience, not legal expertise.)

There are three documents everyone needs:

The first is an Advance Medical Directive. This is a written document signed by you in the presence of two unrelated witnesses. For you, it has two purposes: first to designate whether you wish to be kept alive by artificial means to prolong the dying process. Second, the document appoints a specific responsible party to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are unable to make the decisions. Do not presuppose that if you do not do this a family member (wife, child, etc.) will be able to do it for you. It may be a decision your wife or child simply cannot bring themselves to make. Families are often conflicted over this process and hard feelings frequently arise (for example: “you didn’t fight to keep mom/dad alive.”) Additionally, if you are single, doctors and medical personnel simply will not talk to anyone, family or friend, about this matter. You must make this decision.

The second document is a Durable General Power of Attorney. This is a written document signed by you in the presence of a notary public (who should affix her/his notary seal to the document). It has only one purpose: to appoint someone to take care of your affairs (financial and otherwise) should you need someone to do that. This becomes especially important if you are not married, or if for some reason your spouse is unable to perform those duties. If you should have a stroke or other debilitating illness, and have no Power of Attorney, no one will be able to pay your bills, or even talk to the doctors on your behalf. Doctors and medical personnel will be reluctant to talk with or consult with anyone who is not a spouse or have a Power of Attorney.

Depending on your stage of life, you may need several of these. Neither the IRS nor the Social Security Administration will accept a Power of Attorney unless it is their Power of Attorney. They each have a specific form thaqt must be filed in advance. The Power of Attorney allows the person you designate equal authority over your assets while you live. Be careful whom you designate. It doesn’t just work if you are incapacitated.

The Power of Attorney ends at death. I accompanied family members to a funeral home to make arrangements for a parent. When all arrangements were made, the Funeral Director asked for a check. A son whipped out his deceased father’s checkbook and started to write the check. “Are you on that account?” the director asked. “I have Power of Attorney” was the reply. The Funeral Director said: “Not any more. Your father is deceased.” This is why it is also important, if you are single, to have someone else on your checking account, and why it is important to have someone legally designated to take over with instructions on how things are to be done.

The third document is a will. If you have no will, and you die, it will not matter what you said during your lifetime about the disposition of your assets. The government will dispose of it according to prescribed legal protocols. History is full of hurt feelings because of disagreements among family members at the death of a loved one. You are responsible for keeping the peace by planning during your life.

Next week: Planning a funeral.